Washington, DC: In a move that astonished conservatives and liberals alike, President George W. Bush issued a surprise executive order today legalizing the possession and sale of marijuana in the United States. The order will take effect on April 20, long considered marijuana smokers' independence day.
When asked about the sudden change of heart, President Bush explained; "The other night Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice, Powell and I were in the war room mulling over how to sway public opinion on the war in Iraq. We were stuck in the same rut of tired old ideas and were in desperate need of creative new ways of thinking. That's when Karl Rove pulled out a fatty." While Bush admitted that it had been 30 years since his last toke, he figured, "Why not. I am the President. What can they do, arrest me?"
President Bush made the announcement in his weekly radio address, saying that it's "high time" we reformed our marijuana policies. "The reality is," said the President, "marijuana is far less dangerous than alcohol or tobacco and far too many people have had their lives ruined after being arrested for nothing more than a doobie. Besides, my Pink Floyd records haven't sounded this good since my days at Yale. Boy, those were some good times."
Newly appointed Drug Czar Keith Stroup hailed the move as a great step forward for America. "For 33 years NORML has worked to show that marijuana smokers are no different than the average American. Thankfully we finally have a president who has come to his senses on this issue, albeit with a little help from his old friend Mary Jane." Stroup went on to announce that his first move as Drug Czar will be to free all marijuana smokers currently incarcerated, and to form a commission to study reparations for all former marijuana prisoners. He also outlined the newest ONDCP ad campaign, "Don't Bogart That Joint," featuring the newly reunited Cheech and Chong. The campaign is designated to promote civility and sharing amongst cannabis consumers.
Of course, not everyone was thrilled about the President's sudden change of heart. Sue Rusche, over-protective soccer mom and founder of National Families in Action, lashed out at the president from behind her bottle of valium saying that the President's decision would send the wrong message to children. Former Drug Czar Bill Bennett, when questioned about the executive order outside of the Sands Casino in Las Vegas, could only mutter, "I need a cigarette."
Meanwhile, Rep. Mark Souder (R-IN), author of the Higher Education Act Drug Provision that has denied federal financial aid to over 140,000 students with drug convictions, nearly broke into tears upon hearing the announcement. "My children are near college age and now they may never receive a college education," stated Souder in an impromptu press conference with former ONDCP Director John Walters. "There is no way I will risk sending my kids to school with a bunch of pot smoking hippies." John Walters, looking overly mellow for a man having just lost his job, simply passed a blunt and replied, "Just hit this Mark. You need to loosen up. You're starting to harsh my buzz."
Meanwhile marijuana smokers nationwide took to the streets to celebrate their newfound freedom. A haze of sweet smelling sativa smoke wafted over the nation's capitol as Americans of all walks of life flooded Washington, DC for the first ever legal smoke-in. The gathering featured over a million people, without a single arrest. "This is the best day of my life," said local hot dog vendor Joe Giamatti, "I ran out of hot dogs two hours ago and now they're buying up all the buns. Thank you President Bush!"
In the wake of Bush's executive order, NORML's Board of Directors issued a statement announcing that the organization will gladly go out of business effective April 20. "It took 33 years," said the statement "but our work here is finally done. Our staff can finally go home and get baked in peace."
For more information, have a happy April Fools Day. To help make the above scenario a reality, join NORML today at www.norml.org.